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Trust that even as a secondary or tertiary lover, you are still cared for and respected.

Not to knock the merits or challenges of monogamy, but where time management, jealousy and trust are concerned, non-monogamous folk have a bit of a fuller plate, if I must say so myself.

Do not be fooled into believing that the option to love and be loved by more than one human makes non-monogamy easy. Perhaps the parties involved agree that the monogamous partner will continue to practice monogamy while the non-monogamous partner is free to practice a form of non- monogamy.

Rather than the absence of jealousy, non-monogamy relies on an acceptance of jealousy, with the ultimate goal of acknowledging it, unlearning it, and replacing it with compersion - a feeling of happiness in one’s self derived from the happiness of another. Jealousy, while it can be worked with and talked through, is a natural emotion that even those of us who choose to take a non-traditional path still experience. Especially when you’ve grown up in a society that equates love to possession, the work of dealing with jealousy is not easy.

In other words, when my partner is out on a date and I am at home with the cat, rather than stomping around in a jealous rage or torturing myself with what-if-he-leaves-me-for-her thoughts, I would aim to acknowledge my jealous pang as a normal feeling, but remind myself that my partner loves me, that they aren’t leaving, and to be happy that they’re enjoying themselves tonight and to enjoy my alone time with the cat. In comparison with monogamy, in fact, it forces a kind of work on trust that monogamous relationships bypass via the terms of monogamy.

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You met a great girl at a café and she told you she’s free this Thursday. Except…you agreed with your primary partner that Thursday was their day to ensure your quality time.